


Requiem for a What-If

by BadgerQuest



Series: Almost True Friends [2]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Carson & Rodney finally go fishing!, Carson Has Faerie Blood, Carson is a Sweetheart, Elizabeth Radek Teyla & Katie all get mentioned but don't appear, Friendship, Gen, I am eternally grateful that Carson's death was undone, John Ronon & Lorne are all cameos, Lots of Spoilers Everywhere, Major character death - Freeform, McKeller is similarly acknowledged in the second chapter, Post Sunday Angst, Rodney Actually Has Hypoglycemia, Rodney Is Melodramatic, Rodney pukes a couple of times, a few mild cuss words pop up, grief is depicted, multiple POVs, there are a couple of nods to the Rodney/Katie relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:07:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24164857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadgerQuest/pseuds/BadgerQuest
Summary: Rodney is stuck knowing the answer to his what-if after the events of the first mandatory rest day, because he's a genius like that.
Relationships: Rodney McKay & Carson Beckett
Series: Almost True Friends [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1743940
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ghost_Owl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost_Owl/gifts).



> I know this isn’t one of your fandoms, Ghost_Owl, but I still want to credit you for inspiring this story!
> 
> I made up everything about Carson’s sisters because they aren’t really discussed in the show and all I know is that “The Kindness of Strangers” audio drama apparently says that Carson only has sisters (which, to be honest, seems accurate enough to me). Carson’s mum is basically out of nowhere too, but it does seem to have been canon that she and Carson fussed over each other.
> 
> While I can’t find the source now, I do recall reading somewhere that Sheppard has a fictional birthday that differs from his actor’s, while Rodney and Carson are generally accepted to share with their actors’.
> 
> Also I am absolutely running with the theory that the Fair Folk are the Ancients.
> 
> Fiona Beckett’s title part is from “The Next Right Thing” from _Frozen 2_
> 
> Rodney’s first title part is from “The Place Where Lost Things Go” from _Mary Poppins Returns_
> 
> Madison’s title part is from “Our Farewell” by Within Temptation
> 
> Rodney’s second title part is from “A Place for Us” by Leigh Nash and Tyler James
> 
> This is now a series, with the title taken from that time Rodney sincerely tried to compliment Carson. The happy second chapter won’t be up for a while, because I need to actually watch the last five episodes of the show first before I can write it. And I’m currently stalling a bit on that front because I don’t want to be done with the show.

**Act 1: this is cold, this is empty, this is numb**

It was late January when the funeral was held; after the sermon held in the packed local church, a smaller crowd went to witness the casket being lowered into the ground near Da’s grave. The hole had been tough to dig, between the frigid ground and the three inches of snow on the ground, but it had been done. Now people were gathering at the Beckett home for the wake. The kitchen was full of food, between Mum’s cooking and all the gifts.

Fiona had been doing her best to keep an eye out on her sisters, Mum, and the gaggle of nephews and nieces that had been produced. Only she and Carson hadn’t bothered with getting married and filling a home with bairns, though maybe Carson would have if he had ever met somebody he wanted to settle down with. Griselda had even outdone Mum, currently pregnant with her ninth. Which meant even if the crowd had been just blood relatives and husbands, it would have been a right racket. But no, there were neighbors, teachers, old classmates, and even some of Carson’s former colleagues that made the journey from Glasgow.

For that matter, one of the colleagues from wherever the hell Carson had been working had made the journey to their rural home. It hadn’t been like Carson to be so secretive, but since he had never been so happy before, nobody had pushed the matter. Taking a swallow of her Scotch, Fiona bitterly wondered if her little and only brother would be still be alive if they had.

Not that she would say that, not where McKay could hear her. It had been bloody obvious since he had showed up on Mum’s doorstep that he blamed himself for Carson’s death, although from what he had been able to say, it had seemed like the fault really lay with Carson’s own reckless selflessness. Within a half-hour of his arrival, McKay had definitely proven to be cut from the same cloth as her brother and had therefore been accepted by Fiona and the rest of the Beckett sisters (none of them had bothered with taking on their husbands’ name). 

Nobody had approached him at the church or graveyard, between not knowing the stranger and his withdrawn expression letting them know that he wasn’t up to any sort of sociability. It had been kind of him to let the six of them be the pallbearers, although his belatedly cutoff remark revealed that he had already had his turn at the mystery expedition’s memorial service.

Looking through the crowd, Fiona frowned. There was no sign of the scientist, although she had been sure that he had accompanied them back to Mum’s instead of going back to his hotel room. Despite Mum’s insistence, McKay had been firm on not imposing on her. Fiona still didn’t know whether that was a mark in his favor or a mark against him. Carson certainly had never minded Mum fussing over him, although he had been as much of a fusser as her.

Fiona made her way through the somber crowds, catching bits of conversation. Mostly astonishment over Carson’s sudden death, since he hadn’t even been forty and when growing up hadn’t seemed at all prone to risk taking. To be sure, Carson never took risks for himself, but for others there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do and that was surely what cost him his life. Along with the casket, McKay had brought along plenty of Carson’s belongings, including the presents they had just sent for Christmas and his birthday. There had also been over a dozen personalized condolence letters, including from the expedition leader herself. They hadn’t done much sorting or divvying up yet, and Fiona suspected much of it would end up in the attic to be ignored until Mum wanted to reminisce about her baby boy.

To be sure, Carson had been everybody’s favorite, not that Fiona had ever minded, since had been her favorite brother.

“I’m your only brother,” he’d always laugh when one of them made that claim, with him quickly evading declaring which sister he loved most. Fiona shook her head, still not believing she’d never see him alive again. She snagged Prue’s eldest, asking him, “Have you seen McKay?”

The nine-year-old boy scrunched up his nose. “I think he was talking to Aunt Robin and Uncle Ian?”

“Thanks, Liam.”

He dashed off, off to where his similarly-aged cousin Ivy was sniffling over the homemade doll that Carson had himself just sent for her Christmas gift. There hadn’t been any gifts the Christmas before last or the one before, only some homemade cards for Mum and each sister, but Carson had been able to send gifts for the whole family to open last month. The best guess was that he’d gotten a promotion and he had felt flush with money, but McKay had been tight-lipped about the mystery expedition, claiming it was classified and that he was here as a friend, not as a colleague. They weren’t even sure what sort of scientist McKay was, let alone his position at the expedition.

Robin and Ian were whispering in the kitchen, preparing more food to feed the masses, but clammed up as soon as Fiona came in. She grabbed a shortbread cookie, asking pointedly, “You two know where McKay went?”

“Upstairs,” Robin admitted, pushing back her dark braid over a shoulder. “We were talking with a few of Carson’s college friends about him and then he excused himself, looking green.”

“I think he’s still recovering from what happened the other day,” Ian remarked as he pulled a casserole out of the stuffed fridge. He raised his eyebrows at his wife. “Besides, we don’t want to push him, now do we?”

“Something isn’t right,” Robin insisted with a scowl. “I ought to make sure he’s all right, for Carson’s sake at the very least.”

“You two put out the food, I’ll go check on him. It’s my right as Carson’s favorite sister to keep an eye on his friend.”

“I’m Carson’s favorite sister! Carson-” Robin shut her mouth, looking sick at how natural the call for her brother still was. 

For her part, Fiona felt the cookie turn to lead in her stomach at how readily she had started the banter. She winced, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Robin sighed, hazel eyes staying on the cookie plate. “I can’t believe he’s gone. I know it’s cliched but it’s the truth.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Fiona pointed out. “But I meant it about checking on McKay.”

Heading up the stairs, Fiona immediately went to the bathroom where she once again found the brown-haired man leaning against the toilet. Thankfully he had either flushed already or nothing had come up, although going by his queasy expression it was the first option.

She brushed down her black dress before asking, “Need anything? Juice, crackers?”

McKay shook his head, then brought up a hand to cover his mouth as apparently even that little movement had nearly set him off. Once he looked less green, Fiona asked, “What happened? You need your EpiPen again?”

“No, no, nothing like that.” His shoulders hunched in, McKay admitted, “It’s just a comment got to me the wrong way.”

Fiona made an “and?” gesture.

McKay kept his gaze averted. “Somebody mentioned that it made sense, given how bright Carson blazed that he’d… that he’d burn himself out too soon. I had to go throw up.”

“I’m honestly surprised that you’d didn’t just punch the person. I sure as hell would have for saying that at Carson’s wake.”

“I might have,” McKay admitted quietly, “but then I would have puked on the floor instead.”

“Puking seems like an overreaction.”

McKay opened his mouth, then shut it.

“Look, I’ll keep it between us, but why the hell would that specific comment cause nausea opposed to pretty much any other opinion?”

“I didn’t want to tell his family, especially not Carson’s mum, not with how he adores- adored her,” McKay painfully corrected himself.

“But?”

“There’s a reason it had to be a closed casket funeral.”

“The autopsy?”

“No…”

The pieces started to come together, but Fiona decided to not follow this train of thought to its logical conclusion. Putting up her hands, she conceded, “You’re right. I don’t know want to know.”

“I was a coward. I didn’t go see the aftermath, there wouldn’t have been anything recognizable about Carson left,” McKay blurted out in a rush, as if he couldn’t keep it in anymore. With his not-quite-American accent, it took her a minute to parse what he had said and another for it to sink in fully.

“If- if it was bad enough that the funeral couldn’t be open casket, I can’t fault you for that,” Fiona replied. Her mind shied away from the phrase “Carson’s body” because she still didn’t want to believe that her brother had died not even two weeks after his thirty-eighth birthday.

Standing up, McKay adjusted his black cable-knit sweater. Fiona strongly suspected that the rest of the family had the same thoughts as her: that McKay had kept back a stash of Carson’s belongings for his own usage and remembrance. However, given how happy the few remarks her brother had made about his ‘grumpy friend’ when on visits or in his occasional letters (or that one memorably concerning video message, all the more so for being the first they had heard from him in several months since his departure on the mystery expedition), neither Mum, Fiona herself, nor the other sisters had called McKay out on it.

“I’m going to go get some fresh air. It’s not like I’m really needed or wanted here. Besides, Carson, um, brought up a nearby spot a few times. While I’m here I should go see it, since he’ll never get to show me it himself now.” McKay tried to smile, but it looked more like a grimace.

“When somebody notices you’re gone, I’ll tell them you went for a walk.”

“Nobody is going to notice.”

“Robin wanted to check on you and I clearly noticed you vanished,” Fiona countered.

McKay was clearly flabbergasted by her remark, which probably a clue in why her brother had taken the other man into his care. Carson had always been a nurturing sort, just like Mum. 

“I’ll be back later, when there are fewer people, to say my goodbyes.”

“You’re going so soon?”

McKay half-shrugged. “I’ve attended the funeral and I don’t want to overstay my welcome. Besides, as long as- as long as I’m off-duty, I might as well drop by to see my own sister and her family.”

“Fair enough.” Fiona stepped into the hallway, with McKay following her. Together they went downstairs, and made their way through the crowd to the coat room. Pulling on his oversized dark blue parka, McKay also grabbed a black messenger bag to put over his shoulder. He then switched out his formalwear shoes for grey snow boots and tugged on black winter gloves.

“Where exactly are you going?”

For the first time in the brief time she’d known him, McKay’s smile looked natural although more wistful than anything else.

“Oh, so secret it’s not even classified material.”

“If you say so.”

The man headed out in the chilly afternoon, Fiona noticing that it was snowing again. That didn’t seem to stop McKay, as he just pulled up the hood and kept going in the direction of the nearby woods.

**Act 2: nothing’s gone forever (only out of place)**

Rodney found himself leaning against a barren tree, unwrapping a granola bar to munch on, just as soon as he was out of sight from the Beckett home. It had been full of life and memory, and as the person responsible for Carson’s death, Rodney had felt more out of place there than he had ever been anywhere else, which was saying a lot since there were days where he felt uncomfortable in Atlantis despite his total adoration of the city. He had been relieved to leave behind the Pegasus Galaxy, since the city had been full of memories of him and Carson spending time together. He was still processing that were all the memories he was going to have, and not for the reason he had always surmised. Rodney had figured that eventually Carson would end their friendship when he pushed him too far, not that his own stupid actions would cause Carson to die.

The point being, all that gathered food at the wake certainly wasn’t for him. Even if that hadn’t been the case, he absolutely did not want to risk an allergic response, since he only had one EpiPen left on him. The day was for and about Carson and the other Becketts, not Rodney.

Starting the day after the first mandatory rest day, he’d been put on a month of bereavement leave. Rodney was reasonably sure that it was only marginally motivated by sympathy, with the main reason wanting to prevent another incident like what happened with Project Arcturus. Which was fair enough, because Rodney didn’t want anything like that to happen again either. Radek had written an extra-long letter to give to the Becketts, since he hadn’t been able to leave Atlantis for any longer than it took to take the casket to the SGC, same as Cole, Lorne, Sheppard, and Dex. Even though the chatty Czech scientist was on a month-long bereavement leave too, the Atlantis expedition just couldn’t risk both of them being away at the same time, especially with Cole having to step up as interim CMO.

Rodney had been having a hard-enough time grieving Carson on a personal level; the idea of somebody trying to replace him on even just a professional level made his stomach turn. Not that he’d be anything less than professional and polite, since that’s what Carson would have done if it had been Rodney who’d ended up dead (as Radek would barely tolerate being interim head of the science division, same as Cole was doing right now as interim CMO). Last Rodney had heard, somebody barely older than Ford was being considered, which was more than terrifying considering what had happened to the lieutenant.

At the memory of being dangled upside down, along with how Carson’s own life had been earlier threatened by the not-in-his-right-mind Ford in the aftermath of the attempted Wraith invasion, Rodney threw up the newly consumed granola bar along with some bile, since that was all that was left in his stomach after his earlier puking.

Staggering to his feet, Rodney pressed himself against the tree, breathing heavily. He couldn’t honestly tell anymore whether his lightheadedness and dizzy spells were caused by grief or his hypoglycemia. Usually Rodney didn’t have a problem consuming enough food to keep himself functional, but obviously there was nothing usual about his own damn selfishness causing Carson’s death.

Rodney knew he must have looked a sight, since General O’Neill and Doctor Jackson had been weirdly considerate towards him, given their usual attitude towards him. Not that he could fault them for preferring Carter, because she really was better than him in every single way. Carter had been gentle too, surprisingly so given their tumultuous history (which, as usual, was exclusively his own fault). He suspected most of their sympathy was due to recalling their own grief over Doctor Fraiser rather than feeling bad for him. Thankfully he hadn’t encountered Colonel Mitchell, because he was still wary of the other man. He suspected that Teal’c and Jackson’s black-haired shadow had been told by their Earthling teammates to give him a wide berth, as he hadn’t seen either of them at the SGC, which he was fine with.

Carefully avoiding his vomit, Rodney continued on his trek. His throat was feeling raw, so he pulled out his canteen to first rinse out his mouth and then take a swallow. The snow was piling up around him, but Rodney knew where he was going. The first mention of it had been following the Genii’s attempted invasion, when the two of them had found a distant, not-too-waterlogged spot to catch their breath from all the chaos and repair work going on. Not that they were skipping out on work; it had been the middle of the night, neither of them able to go to sleep.

They had been side-by-side, sprawled out on a balcony to admire the thankfully clear sky and the stars of the Pegasus Galaxy. Since the start of the expedition, the astronomers and anthropologists had teamed up to research all the different constellations on the various planets, but that wasn’t Rodney’s idea of interesting. Still, it had been nice to stargaze at a strange sky near a friend.

Hands clasped behind his head, Carson had asked, “Wanna know a secret?”

“Sure, I guess.”

“Growing up, I was convinced I either had Faerie blood, was a changeling, or had been a gift from the Fair Folk so Mum didn’t have only daughters.”

“You’re joking.”

“No, I’m bloody serious!” Carson had been laughing as he said it, though. “I mean, there had always been rumors of Fae blood in certain families, including mine, for centuries. And all of my grandparents and their friends insisted that the Fae blood was stronger in me than it had been in generations.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And then, when I was a wee lad, looking for somewhere to find from all my sisters, I found a Faerie hiding place in a hill.”

“Oh really?” Rodney hadn’t paying too close attention, just locating the strange constellations, just letting Carson’s brogue wash over him in a reminder that they were both safe, neither of them had been killed by the Genii. The ache in his arm and Carson’s fading concession meant they weren’t unharmed, but they were alive.

“Mm, you probably only needed a bit of specialness to get in, but I was special enough to be drawn to it. It was long-abandoned, of course, and fairly small. I spent plenty of time there, using it as a place to store my favorite books so I could read in peace. Kept me believing in fairy tales long after I should have outgrown them. There were some strange crystals here and there, too, but I didn’t know until the past year that they had any significance. Same with how the lights came on and off as I went by.”

Now **that** had gotten Rodney’s attention.

“Carson. Carson,” he had sputtered out. “You know where an Ancient lab is?”

“Oh, don’t worry,” he had laughed, bright blue eyes shining. “I checked it with wiser eyes when I went to say my farewells to Mum. There’s nothing noteworthy there, certainly not a Zedd P.M.”

Rodney had given him a flat look. “And this still is only coming up now, why?”

Biting at his lower lip, Carson had admitted, “I didn’t want to keep it secret from you anymore. Just… don’t tell anyone, please? It’s only somewhere I went for some peace and quiet as a lad. Though I am glad to have finally figured out the kernel of truth in me having Faerie blood.”

When Rodney had rolled his eyes and snorted, Carson just gave him a pointed look.

“Do I or do I not have a wee bit of nonhuman ancestry? I mean, the Lanteans were the source of the Atlantis myth-”

“Obviously.”

“So why not the source of the Fair Folk? You have to admit they align pretty well together, down to talking primarily in riddles.”

“Huh.”

Carson had smirked. “So maybe you’re right, and I really am a witch doctor.”

“Ha-ha,” Rodney had retorted. After a moment, he had asked, “Want a secret for a secret?”

“Of course.”

Why that had been Carson’s response Rodney had never figured out, especially with how sincerely he had said so. As far back as Rodney could remember, people had usually wanted him to be quiet, not to speak up.

“I used to treat my piano lessons as my refuge, but I stopped taking them when I was twelve.”

“How come?”

“I wasn’t good enough to continue with them, certainly not good enough to justify the expense to my parents.”

Carson had gotten that weird expression he often did when Rodney brought up his childhood, which Rodney never did figure out the meaning of either. And now he never would. At the time, his friend had just changed the subject to asking about where Rodney and his teammates would be going as soon as they were healed up.

The Ancient outpost turned hideaway had come up several times after that point. Shortly after they had returned to Earth, in what turned out to be a less than two-month exile, Carson had suggested that Rodney could come with him on a trip to Scotland so he could see the spot for himself. At the time, Rodney had declined since he was getting settled into his work at Area 51.

It was only after their return to Atlantis, when Rodney was visiting Carson in his quarters to see the ‘wee baby turtles’ (which Radek was currently looking after for Rodney while he was away), that Rodney had spotted two medium-sized boxes wrapped in blue gift wrap.

“What’s that?”

“Your presents,” Carson had confessed. “One’s for Christmas, one’s for your birthday. I didn’t want to forget.”

“Okay, sure, I have your Christmas and birthday presents ready, but that’s because they’re less than two weeks apart. My birthday is in April.”

“Aye, well, I got them while I was at home. And paid a visit to my hideaway, of course, as long as I was there.”

“Did you get me Ancient crystals from an undisclosed location?” Rodney had teased. “Should I open the presents in private, then?”

Carson had snorted. “I’m not that foolish. You can open your presents in front of Elizabeth, Radek, your teammates, or whoever you like.”

“You?”

“Aye, that’d be preferred,” he had laughed. Suddenly nervous, Carson had shifted his weight from foot to foot. “I’m not sure how well you’ll like one gift, which is why I’m delaying it until your birthday.” Those big blue eyes earnestly wide, Carson had continued, “But I do hope you like it.”

In the woods, Rodney bent over, gasping as nothing came out of his mouth despite his gag reflex’s best efforts. It was unlikely that Rodney would ever open the second present now; the Christmas gift had turned out to be a stash of coffee that similarly would never be finished after the first mandatory rest day. At least Carson had gotten the chance to at least briefly enjoy his gifts from Rodney: a new genetics book and a moss green cable-knit sweater. On the rare occasions he got to be casual, a cable knit sweater was Carson’s go-to option. In practice, that meant Carson was lucky to wear one out and about once a month.

 _Had_ been his go-to option, _had_ been lucky.

Rodney found himself trying to throw up yet again, only to faceplant into the snow. Possibly it was a good thing that there hadn’t been anything in his stomach. With a groan, he got to his feet and continued onwards through the woods once he brushed the snow off of himself.

He found the rocky ridge soon enough, and a soft vibration throughout his body let him know that he was close. By the time he had left Atlantis, Rodney had gotten used to the gut-punch of remembering that his ability to access Ancient technology was only thanks to Carson’s ATA gene therapy. It was almost comforting to know that he would always be one of Carson’s experiments- a successful one at that.

He found the concealed entrance, waving his hand over the soft blue-grey oblong stone that briefly glowed and with a shimmer, a passageway revealed itself. Once Rodney stepped through, the stone wall reappeared. Not that he was too worried, as there was another such activation stone on the other side, presumably hiding the control panel to keep the entrance from being too obvious.

It only took a few yards to reach the chamber, the lights turning themselves on as Rodney headed past them. Carson had been right; although certainly constructed, it had been stripped bare of everything but a few crystals that probably didn’t contain anything that Rodney hadn’t already learned at Atlantis. Polaroid photos had been taped to the walls, with captions in Carson’s familiar messy handwriting. The vast majority were of the other Becketts, so clearly even when hiding from them Carson didn’t want to forget his sisters, which was like him. Had been like him. There were a couple of folded blankets in one corner, presumably so Carson would have somewhere soft to read on.

The nooks that must have once held Ancient artifacts now held books. There was one full of _Star Trek_ novels, with the nook below it holding a few by the same author but nothing else. Another was full of books by some Pratchett guy, with yet another packed with comic books. Rodney flipped through some of the books, spotting Carson’s messy signature on the inside of each back cover. One nook contained mostly classics: _Ivanhoe_ , _The Once and Future King_ , Sherlock Holmes, and so on. Five nooks were packed with college textbooks, implying that Carson had in fact used this hideaway well into adulthood instead of leaving it off once he hit his late teens.

Sitting down, Rodney closed his eyes and tried to imagine it. A small, wide-eyed Carson delighted at having found a place of his own that was clearly magical, keeping that belief in magic strong in him well into his thirties. So often Carson had insisted that the line between magic and science was blurrier than Rodney claimed. Rodney probably should have let him have that instead of trying to argue. There were a lot of things Rodney should have done to be an actually good friend to Carson. The worst part of all of this was knowing that it was Rodney’s own failures as a friend, boss, and human being that had led to Carson’s death. The ‘what if’ haunted him because the answer was so damn specific: Rodney should have just shut up and gone on the fishing trip.

Maybe that would have given both of them a different ‘what if’ since the explosions would have happened anyway. There was a small part of Rodney that felt guilty that he was laser-focused on Carson’s death instead of equally feeling bad about everybody who had died or been hurt by the blasts, even Teyla, but Carson had been special. The rest of his guilt and grief paled in comparison to his feelings about Carson’s death. He couldn’t even be angry at Carson’s actions, since all Carson had done was be fine with everybody declining the invites to fishing and been willing to go back to work instead of going by himself. If Rodney had just gone fishing with him, then Carson would be alive. It was that simple, like doing the multiplication tables by heart.

Carson had deserved a better friend. Rodney knew everybody had thought so, but that day had crystallized that fact into brilliance for the entire expedition. Not that anyone would say that to his face, either out of fear of reprisal or because despite everything, Carson would have disagreed and they wanted to respect that. But then, Carson had seen the good in him where nobody else had. Another mistake on Carson’s part, one that nobody could have corrected since Carson was the most stubborn person Rodney had ever met, including himself.

Rodney’s breath caught but he forced himself to take some sips of water. Just because Carson was gone, that didn’t mean that he didn’t still count as the most stubborn, most brave, most kind being he had ever met. Nobody could measure up to Carson while he was alive, and Rodney was sure that nostalgia would ensure that it stayed that way. 

He didn’t think he’d ever stop missing Carson, not with how he had felt broken inside since hearing Carson’s earpiece short out through his own. The next few minutes had been agonizing, and then a soldier had confirmed there’d been a blast, leaving behind two bodies. Despite usually having a good memory, Rodney couldn’t recall the following several minutes (or more, because again, he didn’t know how much time he had lost). All he knew was that suddenly he was alone in the lab, his throat raw from yelling (screaming?) and his face wet with tears. There was a very petty part of him that wanted to know how the hell he had managed to get Sheppard and Ronon to leave him alone, but the smarter side of him knew he was better off not knowing, particularly since neither man had brought it up.

“Enough moping,” Rodney told himself as he stood up. He had come here not just to see Carson’s hideaway for himself. Carefully Rodney gathered up the family photos, filling up the baggie he had brought along specifically for this purpose, as Carson had mentioned there being photos decorating his hideaway a couple of times in later conversations. He ate one of his remaining three granola bars, hoping that this time it’d stay down. Looking around, Rodney didn’t see anything else that felt necessary to bring back. 

There was a foolish part of him that hoped that maybe if the hideaway kept looking as if Carson would return any day, maybe that would be the case. Even knowing that it was stupid, Rodney didn’t want to dislodge anything of Carson’s here at least besides the photos; he had already had to pack up Carson’s personal space once and that was more than enough for him.

When he emerged from the hideaway, it turned out he had been inside long enough that the snow had come to a stop and it was starting to get dark. Rodney pulled out a flashlight to light his way; after years on Sheppard’s team, Rodney had gotten used to being prepared on missions. Maybe this wasn’t a formal mission, but it was probably one of the most important ones Rodney had ever gone on, since it was for Carson’s sake.

Missus Beckett met him in the woods close to ten minutes later. Like him, she was bundled up and carrying a flashlight.

“Really, Rodney, what are you doing out here?” she chided him in a manner Rodney was unfamiliar with, although it didn’t seem to be condescending. “You and Carson truly are two peas in a pod, getting lost in the woods-”

Rodney flinched at the wrong tense but didn’t correct her, especially with how much trouble he was still having with the same problem. He pulled out the baggie of photos. “I got these from Carson’s hideaway; I… I thought you might like them. I didn’t touch anything else; it felt wrong to.”

Missus Beckett was teary as she took the baggie, staring down at the top photo. “Well, I always wondered where Carson was putting them.”

She frowned suddenly. “Carson told you where his hideaway was? I could never find it, his sisters couldn’t, and- and David couldn’t. Believe me, we tried. It was always like he just vanished into the thin air.”

“He basically did,” Rodney shrugged.

“When you said the two of you were close, I didn’t imagine you were that close. After all, Carson never confirmed that he even had a hideaway; he just claimed he was hiding in a Faerie hill.”

Rodney found himself smiling ruefully. It was like Carson to be honest in a such a way that he knew wouldn’t be believed. The smile faded as he mentally corrected himself: it had been like Carson. He still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Carson was gone, because the universe made no sense without him in it. Which also made no sense; grief had never hit him like this before, not even in the previous cases where the deaths had been his own fault.

Missus Beckett thankfully hadn’t noticed, as she had gone back to staring at the baggie of photos. Suddenly she hugged him, with Rodney unsure what to do.

“I was afeared for you, especially when I saw that bit of vomit, but you were just off being kind for us. Though are you well? I know that-”

“I’m not sick, no,” Rodney assured her, still standing awkwardly as she hugged him. He still had no clue why the other Becketts were being so kind to him. Forget any potential of them having the ATA gene, the real super-gene the Beckett family had was clearly the kindness gene.

Missus Beckett finally ended the hug and the two of them started to head back for the Beckett home.

“I’ll be heading out tomorrow, now that the funeral’s over.”

“Aye, Fiona mentioned you have family of your own to visit. I hope they bring you comfort.”

Rodney opened his mouth, then shut it. He had never spoken to Jeannie about Carson, starting with his relief that Carson hadn’t been in the city during his sister’s visit. The last thing he had needed was for Carson to like her and Rod better than him too. That definitely would have been the final straw.

The point being, he wasn’t about to bring up Carson now, not when Jeannie would just confirm his theory that Carson died because Rodney wasn’t a good enough friend to him. It wasn’t like he could explain that to Carson’s mum but he didn’t want to lie to her either.

“I miss him,” is what came out instead.

Missus Beckett sighed heavily and patted his arm. “Aye, it’s always terrible when a parent outlives their child. And Carson was such a sweetheart- how could you not miss him?”

“I know you knew him all his life and I only knew him for-” Rodney came to a verbal and physical stop. “Less than three years? That can’t be right. It feels like I’ve always known him.”

“Oh well, that’s how he felt about you from what Carson told us, so at least you’re aren’t alone in that.”

“But I am alone now,” Rodney countered before he could realize he was both being a pedantic jerk and a needy waste of time and energy. And it wasn’t like he was truly alone- he had Radek, his teammates, Elizabeth, his sister. But Carson had been special.

“Oh, dearie.”

Thankfully Missus Beckett just gave him another hug instead of being upset with him.

“He clearly took after you in being a wonderful human being.”

Missus Beckett laughed wetly. “Thank you for the compliment. Now, let’s head back before it’s nighttime.”

“All right.”

The flashlights lighting the way, Missus Beckett and Rodney headed off.

**Act 3: how can the world just carry on?**

Four-year-old Madison Miller was using her crayons to practice drawing hearts on a piece of paper. Outside, it was slushy from the half-melted snow. It was now February, meaning Valentine’s Day was coming, so she wanted them to look good. Sometimes she drew them like most people did, sometimes she drew the more realistic shape that looked like a blob. No wonder they were usually shown in the fake but pretty way. Nearby, Mom and Uncle Mer were squabbling as they prepared dinner. Dad once said their squabbling was the reason that she was an only child but had hastily added not to tell Mom that. Madison had gotten to pick out cupcakes at the grocery store for making that pinkie promise.

“Look, you have been in a mood the whole time you’ve been here, what the-” Mom glanced over at her before finishing, “What is wrong with you?”

“I’m on leave and I came to visit my only sister after doing some responsibilities in the UK. Where’s the problem with that?”

“Why? Shouldn’t your team be off exploring and getting shot at?”

Uncle Mer licked his lips as he kept peeling the potatoes and didn’t answer for a bit. Madison had drawn five hearts by the time he replied.

“Teyla is currently recovering from an injury so the team’s grounded.”

Mom frowned, “She got hurt and you just left the city? Again- what is wrong with you?”

“Oh please, she basically has Sheppard and Ronon waiting on her hand and foot, I’d just be a hinderance. Besides, I told you: I had some responsibilities to deal with across the ocean.”

Looking up from stirring the vegetable stew, Mom made the angry squinty face that always got Madison to admit that she had snuck chocolate chip cookies before dinner, but Uncle Mer didn’t react. Maybe it was because he was the big brother?

“Meredith.”

“Look, you cannot tell me that my presence would have improved Teyla’s recovery. In fact, things are probably going better without me there.”

“Okay, that’s fair,” Mom conceded, stirring the pot. “Did she get hurt on a mission?”

“There was an explosion and she was among those hurt. She’ll be fine, I promise, but the expedition felt it was better if I handled some things on Earth instead of getting up to trouble in a lab. Radek can handle things while I’m away.”

“Huh. You actually believe that.”

Uncle Mer rolled his eyes. “I know I’m not… a good boss or friend, but Radek is a good scientist.”

“Wow. Are you feeling okay?”

Uncle Mer made a face. “Define okay.”

“So, you got any Valentine’s Day plans with Katie? You’ll be back in the city by then.”

For a moment, Uncle Mer froze. Madison gave up on drawing hearts and instead focused on the adult talk because that was way more interesting.

“We’re, um, on a bit of a break right now. Not that we were seriously dating in the first place or anything.”

Mom reached over to smack him upside the head.

“Ow! What was that for?!”

“You idiot. Whose idea was the break?”

“It was mutually agreed upon?” Uncle Mer was very confused as he rubbed the back of his head.

“Oh no. You need to figure out what you did wrong this time before the break turns into a break up,” Mom told him, pointing a finger at his face. “Seriously, Mer, you need to do some serious work to keep a woman who’s actually willing to date you.”

Noticing Madison, Mom told her, “Honey, maybe you could set the table? Dinner will be ready soon.”

Madison put away her stuff and set the table, but then dinner wasn’t ready for another hour. Adults could have a weird sense of time.

In the middle of the night, Madison woke up from a bad dream. Holding her new soft sheep plush Maaa, Madison headed into the hallway but noticed that a light downstairs was on. She headed down there instead of going to Mom and Dad’s room, finding Uncle Mer in the kitchen, heating milk on the stove.

“What are you doing up?” she asked.

He jumped a bit before noticing her. “Oh. Uh, hey. I couldn’t sleep.” He made a face before smiling at the sight of Maaa. “You like your gift, huh?”

Madison nodded. “She’s cuddly.”

“I do not understand the name you gave her, but I guess the important thing is that you like the gift.”

Madison noticed that there was the cocoa container and the bag of mini marshmallows on the counter.

“Can I have hot cocoa too?”

“Sure, why not. So, why are you up?”

“I had a bad dream,” Madison admitted as she headed over to the dining table to sit down.

Uncle Mer sighed as he added more milk to the pot. “I wish mine had just been a bad dream. What was yours?”

“Being chased by bears in the house.”

“Yikes.” After moment, Uncle Mer told her, “When I was just a little older than you, my dad read a big book to me and I had bad dreams about being swallowed by a whale for months. Sometimes I still have that bad dream.”

“Like tonight?”

“No, tonight was a bad memory.”

“Your friend getting hurt?”

“Not Teyla getting hurt,” Uncle Mer admitted slowly. “Look- can you keep a secret from your mom?”

“Is it a bad secret?”

“More of a sad secret.”

“Then shouldn’t you tell her?”

“I don’t want to upset your mom. Again.”

Madison nodded. That made sense. “Okay, I promise.”

“So. How much did you hear from our predinner talk?”

“A friend got hurt and you don’t have a girlfriend right now?”

“More or less accurate, yeah.” Uncle Mer shifted uncomfortably. “The thing is… the break was my idea. I am not in the right headspace to be even the subpar boyfriend your mom knows I am.”

“Huh?”

“I am the one who started the break, because I didn’t want to have to have Katie deal with me being a mess. More than usual, I mean. I’m always a mess.”

“Shouldn’t you tidy up, then?” Madison scrunched up her nose. Messes needed tidying up, right?

“It’s not that simple,” Uncle Mer sighed. “Okay, there were actually two explosions. The first one was bigger, with a lot of damage. Teyla wasn’t the only one hurt and a couple of people- um.”

“They died?” Madison’s eyes were wide. Mom and Dad didn’t really talk about what Uncle Mer did, exactly, but apparently it was super dangerous and super-secret. She didn’t know it was **that** dangerous, though.

“Yeah. Shortly afterwards, there was a second explosion, and two people died. One of them was a friend of mine that your mom didn’t meet during her visit to the city, since he wasn’t there at the time. And I didn’t exactly bring him up before he died because, well, we haven’t done a lot of talking yet. Plus, I didn’t want to hear her lecturing me on how to be a good friend then and especially not now.”

“Why would Mom do that?”

Uncle Mer sighed as he kept making the hot cocoa. “Because if I had been a better friend, then my friend wouldn’t have died.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.” Madison mulled this over for a minute. “You’re right. This is a very sad secret.”

“Contrary to what your mom says, I am usually right. That just makes it worse when I’m wrong, though.”

“So, what were you really doing in the UK?”

“I was attending his funeral.” Uncle Mer looked like he was going to cry, which was scary, because Madison was pretty sure it took a lot for adults to start crying.

“Do you need a hug?”

“Actually, my friend’s mum gave me a few, so I’m good.”

“Are you sure?”

“Look, there’s like one person I want to hug right now, and he’s dead,” Uncle Mer told her sharply before wincing. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Your friend is gone, you can be sad about that. Were you best friends? Is that why you’re so sad? Because he was your best-est friend?”

With a frown, Uncle Mer got out another mug and poured out the hot cocoa. Instead of answering Madison’s question, he just asked one of his own: “How many marshmallows do you want?”

“A lot!”

“You got it.”

When he brought over the mugs, Madison was pleased to see that the cocoa couldn’t be seen because of all the marshmallows. They drank the hot cocoa in silence, but Madison was pretty sure Uncle Mer was at least less sad now that he admitted why he was sad. That’s usually how it worked, so it was odd that Uncle Mer didn’t know that.

“Are you sure you don’t want to tell Mom? She’s pretty smart. She could help.”

“I know your mom is smarter than me, but this is something I should deal with myself.”

Madison wasn’t sure about that, but she decided that Uncle Mer ought to choose when to talk about why he was sad. She held out her pinkie to him. “Want me to pinkie promise that I won’t tell Mom about why you’re sad?”

“Sure, why not,” he said, wrapping his pinkie around hers. They shook on it.

Madison knew she didn’t know the whole story, but she felt lucky to have an uncle who would miss his friends, not to mention bring her presents and make her hot cocoa even when he was sad. So, she told him so, which just made him get all red and to shoo her and Maaa off to bed.

When she got up the next morning, it was like nothing had happened. Even the pot and mugs had been washed and put away. Madison knew it was real though, because she had the certainty of knowing something her parents didn’t, which had never happened before. It was a weird feeling, one she didn’t like, but Mom kept needling Uncle Mer about being a bad friend to these Teyla and Radek people and a bad boyfriend to Katie for the rest of his visit, so she guessed it was the right choice to keep it a secret. 

To be fair, Mom and Dad were definitely confused by how accepting Uncle Mer was of Mom’s accusations, but that didn’t stop her either. Madison made him an early Valentine’s card with lots of both kinds of hearts and smiley faces to try cheering Uncle Mer Up and it did make him smile. He got her a whole box of chocolates for her early Valentine’s Day gift on his last day, which was awesome.

Even if he didn’t agree, Madison knew she was lucky to have met her Uncle Mer.

**Coda: the sun shining through**

On his first night back on Atlantis at the end of his bereavement leave, Rodney had had a dream where he and Carson were on the docks, having a farewell conversation. When he woke up, he thought his insistence that they’ll meet again somehow was just him getting stuck in the denial stage of grief. It was rough letting it sink in that Carson was gone due to his own mistakes. And just as he thought he was gaining some sort of equilibrium… they lost Elizabeth, in part _because_ of the efforts Rodney took to save her and the city.

There were times that Rodney was afraid that he was a curse to anybody and anything he cared about. After all, hadn’t he cared most about Carson, even if he hadn’t proven or shown it? The final gifts stayed in his closet, untouched. He didn’t bring up Carson; it was too painful still to talk about him in the past tense.

Jennifer Keller filled the professional hole left by Carson, and to an extent the personal one as well. Rodney figured the two medical doctors would have gotten along great, with their sweet, compassionate natures. As Jeannie had predicted, Rodney had ultimately ruined things between him and Katie. He still only partially understood why, even after Jennifer’s explanation.

Teyla turned out to be pregnant (not by Sheppard, though), and late in her pregnancy she got kidnapped by Michael. Okay, yeah, the expedition didn’t handle the original situation well, but considering how Michael had responded by doing his best to commit genocide, Rodney couldn’t muster any sympathy for him. The trail had led them to Hoff, which was in ruins. Rodney wasn’t precisely relieved, but it was fine by him that there wasn’t anything left to remind him of Carson’s time there.

Sheppard, Dex, Lorne, the major’s team, and Rodney himself fought their way into Michael’s lab. Rodney didn’t want to fail again, didn’t want to lose Teyla too. They might not be close, but they were teammates. However, Teyla turned out to not be in the lab but Major Lorne had a point in that the guards were protecting something there.

Sheppard shot off the cell’s lock and opened the door. Rodney just froze, eyes wide. Because there was no way what- who- he was seeing could be real. Because thinking he found Carson, only to lose him again, would in no way help his mental stability.

But the person (being?) in the cell looked like Carson, sounded like Carson. The same dark hair, same solid build, same fair complexion, and there was no mistaking those bright blue eyes. Rodney was absolutely going to have a small breakdown as soon as he was alone, because this was everything that he had wanted and wished for but it couldn’t be true. Not when they found him in one of Michael’s labs. Yet it was like his artificial ATA gene knew its creator was back, from the buzzing, dizzying feeling he had.

Carson (please be real, please be real, please be real) frowned at him. “Are you all right, Rodney?”

Rodney opened his mouth, closed it, looked over helplessly at Sheppard.

“Teyla’s been kidnapped by Michael… too,” Sheppard answered hesitantly, which Rodney supposed was answer enough for now. “We’d, uh, better get you back to the city, doc.”

“Aye, that’d be lovely!” he smiled.

Rodney was doomed. Something had either gone either horrifically wrong or unbelievably right, and he knew that he wouldn’t know which until it was too late. He hurried off back to where Lorne and his team were, unable to look at Carson (if it even was him) anymore. Behind him, he could just make out Carson being concerned, presumably about Rodney himself, Teyla, or most likely, both. Because that was Carson. Right?

“What the hell happened?” demanded Lorne. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost, McKay.”

Rodney gestured helplessly, still at a loss for words. A couple of the soldiers snickered, amused by that, so Rodney shot them a glare. He was initially surprised that worked but then he noticed Ronon had shown up to loom over them. That made far more sense.

“Seemed more solid than a ghost, but not sure what or who we found. Looks like the doc, though.” Ronon told Lorne and his team.

“Keller?” went the confused major. Usually Rodney would have a witty retort to such inane questions, but there was nothing ‘usual’ about this situation.

Rodney shook his head. The idea that Jennifer might actually get to meet Carson was a strange one. They’d probably like each other better than they did him, which would be painful if understandable.

“No. Beckett.”

Lorne and his team stared at Ronon for a long, silent minute. Maybe they were wondering if the ex-Runner was joking, because Rodney was certainly wondering if this was somebody’s idea of a cosmic joke. Turning to Rodney, the major remarked, “No wonder you’re freaking out.”

Rodney crossed his arms, feeling very exposed all of a sudden. The whole damn expedition knew that he had a soft spot for the Scottish witch doctor. It hadn’t exactly been a secret in the expedition that Carson had known (did know?) all his weak points and how to get Rodney to ‘behave’. Obviously, it shouldn’t have been necessary, but surely Carson had known that it would have only a moment of sad big blue eyes for Rodney to give in and to go on the fishing trip? Or maybe he had wanted Rodney to agree out of his free will. Yet again Rodney went over the ‘what ifs’ except now, in the back of his mind, there was a thin tendril of hope going ‘what now’.

There was the slimmest of possibilities that maybe, Rodney could actually do something with all his ‘what if’ scenarios about getting a second chance. Maybe he had gotten his best friend back. Or the universe was being cruel to him again. It did that on what felt like a weekly basis. But what if something good had actually happened for once? What if this was the one good thing in Rodney’s life to make up for everything else: getting a second chance to be a better friend towards Carson. Stranger things had happened, after all. After all, Jackson had returned from the dead at least three times, so Carson could surely do so once, right?


	2. coda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the coda is set between “Identity” and “Enemy at the Gate”. Hopefully the timeline makes sense as I’m trying to be canon compliant. Fair warning, Rodney isn’t always the most reliable narrator about things, especially social interactions. But he’s less miserable and self-loathing than in the previous chapter! Which means more scorn and irritation directed at everybody and everything except Carson, Jennifer, and Atlantis itself.

Behind Rodney, the wormhole collapsed in on itself. It was autumn on this planet, with most of the tree leaves having turned shades of red and purple and the air cool enough that Rodney could see his breath. Although Rodney didn’t pay a lot of attention to botany, even after dating Katie, he had to admit that there was a lot of peculiar botany to study in the Pegasus Galaxy. He had dressed more casually than usual for an off-world mission: the usual long-sleeved blue-grey shirt, grey slacks, black non-slip shoes, his orange fleece sweater, and his black backpack (with different contents than normal). There was a handgun on his belt, because Rodney knew going to another planet without a weapon was a stupid plan. Not that having weapons was always helpful, but Rodney didn’t want to be defenseless when things went wrong. With the two fishing poles in his left hand, he wouldn’t be able to immediately use the weapon, but it was the principle of the thing.

Rodney walked along the dirt path leading from the Gate to the nearby village, which seemed fine enough, for you know, a boring provincial village stuck in the Dark Ages. He got that the Wraith tended to blast away industrialized societies, Sateda was proof of that, but it was weirdly exhausting to almost always be the most advanced group around. Which was arrogant of him, Rodney was aware, but he knew that about himself. Besides, he always was being looked at for needing to provide the miracle to save the day, without being thanked afterwards or even being viewed with suspicion for failing to act sooner. Rodney was to the Atlantis expedition what the expedition as a whole was to the Pegasus Galaxy, not that anybody else had picked up on that.

Although it had been early afternoon in Atlantis, the sun was barely up here. Rodney had all but forgotten what it was like to **not** have interplanetary jet lag; there had even been occasions where intergalactic jet lag was a problem, although typically the straits were dire enough that sheer adrenaline kept him going until he got the chance to rest. Things had been more or less calm over the past month, thankfully enabling the recent Earth-winter holiday celebrations to go smoothly. It had been surprisingly nice, to have Carson, Jennifer, Radek, and his three teammates all around for the celebrations, including a gift exchange. He had also sent gifts for Jeannie, Kaleb, and Madison back on Earth, and even got two gifts in return.

Of course, Carson had left for this middle-of-nowhere village two days after Christmas. Rodney had missed him over the past week. Even if it had meant that Jennifer had recovered from her gunshot injury enough to go back to being CMO. During those two-ish weeks, Rodney had done his best to balance being a good boyfriend to her, a good friend to Carson, and a good boss to Radek even though his second-in-command had made such a fuss about being stabbed. Rodney had been stabbed before, hell, he had been _tortured_ by being stabbed in the arm that one time, so he knew Radek was overreacting. The point being, Rodney had done his best to be a good person yet Carson and Jennifer were still awkward around each other, which was a problem. It definitely didn’t help that they usually only had interacted when one of them needed medical treatment from the other. 

Rodney needed to figure out a way to get the two most important people in his life to get along. Maybe the third most important person could help? Radek was friendly with both of them, even after Neeva-as-Jennifer had stabbed him. Okay, yes, that had been scary at first, but obviously Radek ended up being fine. Rodney had known he would be. A measly stabbing couldn’t stop the cranky Czech scientist for long. After all, both Rodney himself and Carson were still fine despite everything. 

Some villagers were already up: farmers hard at work in the nearby fields, a blacksmith stoking her forge, a baker and his apprentice setting up the day’s goods. Rodney pulled a few iron tokens out of his pocket to get some directions from the bakers. He didn’t trust himself to get answers by just asking them. While most of the Pegasus Galaxy relied heavily on trade and bartering, bits of refined metal were useful for purchasing items. Either the bakers would have the blacksmith melt them down to make something, or the bakers would go on to use the tokens to obtain other goods from merchants. 

Through the dusty streets, Rodney made his way to the main hall: a three-story stone-and-wood structure that had a few glass windows instead of the open-air versions with shutters the other structures had. Leaving the two poles by the front door, Rodney stepped into the building. Inside, Carson was eating breakfast at a wooden table with the planet’s own witch doctors. 

Getting up, Carson wondered, “Rodney? What are you doing here? Is something wrong at the city?" 

“No, no, I’m just… taking a personal day and kind of, uh…” Rodney felt his cheeks warming up, which was embarrassing. There absolutely wasn’t anything wrong with prioritizing a friend; in fact, hadn’t Rodney learned the hard way the mistake was **not** doing so? 

Carson was smiling as he approached, which was a good sign. He was wearing basically the same thing as Rodney, just minus the fleece sweater. It was reassuring to see Carson still wearing expedition attire even though he wasn’t staying in the city. 

“You missing me already?” he laughed, shaking his head. “Really?” 

“Yes,” Rodney muttered. Maybe this was a bad idea, if Carson didn’t want him here. 

Carson studied him doubtfully. “You _are_ choosing to take a day off, right? You weren’t forced to?” 

Rodney wanted to roll his eyes, but he knew that Carson had a point in wondering what was going on. He grumbled, “Look, if you’re busy, I’ll go, but I thought since, you know, it’s today, that maybe we could spend some time together.” 

Carson stared back at him blankly. 

Oh. Right. Carson probably had been paying more attention to this planet’s solar cycle than to Earth’s. 

“You forgot and I remembered,” Rodney gloated. It was usually the other way around, so of course he was going to be smug. “It’s January fifth back on our home world, Carson.” 

Now it was Carson’s turn to get pink. “Technically it’s not my-" 

“It absolutely is,” Rodney insisted. He was a genius and not _that_ socially inept; he knew everybody was waiting for him to have another Carson-related breakdown. Honestly, part of Rodney was waiting for that too. But until things inevitably went wrong again, Rodney was just going to ignore the potential issues to enjoy having his best friend back in any capacity. 

“Uh, what’s going on?” asked one of the witch doctors at the table. 

Burying his hands in his face, Carson mumbled something in Gaelic. Well, that was a treat. Usually Carson was pretty good about speaking English or the Pegasus Galaxy’s lingua franca. He wasn’t like Radek, dropping into Czech on a nearly daily basis to vent about, well, typically Rodney himself. Hopefully Carson was just embarrassed rather than upset. 

The redheaded lady who looked to be the main local witch doctor stood up to state firmly, “If you’re going to be causing problems for Beckett-” 

“It’s fine, Mora, Rodney just reminded me that today’s my birthday. Being so far from home, I lost track of that.” 

“Ah, surviving another year since being born is always an event to celebrate,” she conceded, sitting back down. “Go spend time with your friend. We can handle the patients for a day, and we’ll celebrate more tonight.” 

Rodney couldn’t argue about the importance of birthdays, not after his four-ish years with the Atlantis expedition. Especially not when it came to Carson’s birthday. 

“Thank you, but I shouldn’t slack off for long,” Carson frowned. 

“Go,” the other witch doctor insisted. “A birth anniversary is a joyous event. And besides, your friend here came all this way specifically to spend time with you.” 

Rodney shifted uncomfortably. “If you’d rather do something else, I can go.” 

Carson gave him that fondly exasperated look that Rodney was still relieved to receive again. Those six months of visiting a seemingly sleeping Carson in a stasis pod might have not helped as much as he thought they had been at the time. 

“I can’t imagine a better way to spend my day.” 

Rodney blinked. The matter-of-fact sincerity was confusing, all the more so since Carson kept leaving the city to do his ‘interplanetary traveling doctor’ thing. Okay, yes, that was mostly because Carson was holding himself accountable for what Michael compelled and forced him to do during his captivity. Still, Rodney hoped that Carson would eventually realize he could do the most good for the Pegasus Galaxy by working out of Atlantis alongside him. Jennifer knew that, even if that awareness of their reach scared her sometimes. 

Sure, it sometimes scared Rodney, sometimes it was annoying that everybody looked to him for the immediate solution, but mostly? Rodney loved getting to change entire worlds, usually for the better even. But today, all Rodney wanted to do was be the good friend he should have been on the first mandatory rest day. 

“So, uh, let’s go, then.” 

When they stepped out front, Carson’s blue eyes lit up at the sight of the poles. “We’re going fishing?!” 

“I figured that’s what you’d want to do on your birthday,” Rodney admitted as he handed one over to Carson. 

Carson gave him a long look. “And to feel less guilty yourself?” 

“No. Just trying to make amends for your sake, not mine.” Rodney’s guilt over wiggling out of going fishing that day would never go away. Other people always paid for his mistakes, far more than he ever did. The best he could do was to keep moving forward and to try not to repeat his mistakes. 

“Technically-” 

Rodney pointed a finger at him. “You are Carson- far more so that I ever hoped for. Don’t. Just don’t.” 

“Well, it’s not like I want to be anybody else,” he sighed as they started through the nearly empty streets. There still weren’t many people up and about yet. Carson continued, “Still, I feel bad for taking his place.” 

“You didn’t remove him from it.” _I did._

“Aye, fair enough.” Carson shook his head. “So, I am three or forty today? My bones certainly ache enough to be the latter.” 

“Ha-ha. You’d better decide to be forty, unless you want to be restricted from having alcohol.” 

“Oh, well, then I’m definitely forty,” Carson laughed ruefully. 

As they headed out of the village and into the woods, Rodney caught up Carson on what had been going on the past week, which wasn’t much, but Carson seemed to be interested anyway. The turtles Michelle and Jeffrey were doing great, Radek was still whining about having been stabbed, Jennifer was wonderful as ever, Torren was now sleeping through the night to Teyla and Kanaan’s relief, and his teammates were mostly interested in beating each other up (they kept saying it was training, but Rodney knew better). Still, Carson seemed more wistful than excited, so Rodney checked again, “You okay? Seriously, if you’d rather I go-” 

“No,” Carson stated firmly, which surprised Rodney. He understood less and less why Carson wanted to spend time with him as time went by. Rubbing the back of his neck, Carson admitted, “It’s just… is it okay for me to celebrate his birthday? Back on Earth, I bet Mum and my sisters are grieving.” 

“Oh.” 

Rodney hadn’t stayed in touch the other Becketts, not least because he had a hard-enough time keeping in touch with his own sister even before leaving the galaxy. The closest he had come was Carson giving up a back-up copy of the letter he had given to Sam in case the higher-ups thought the letter was too much of a security risk. But no, they figured the excuse was plausible enough and that Carson hadn’t written anything revealing in there, so Rodney still had the letter tucked away among his own belongings. 

Yes, he had read it. He had cracked nearly four months into Carson being in the stasis pod. No, he hadn’t told Carson that, even if he suspected that Carson knew. The witch doctor was witchy like that. 

“Look, we can’t exactly tell them that you’re basically you.” 

“Except in all the ways I’m not.” 

“So, your telomeres are a little weird and there are some missing memories. So what?” Rodney insisted, waving his free hand about. “You’re you, Carson. I’d notice if you weren’t.” 

“Well, you did manage to pick up on Jennifer not being herself,” Carson conceded. 

Rodney gave him an unimpressed look. “Radek and Ronon did too. Look, I get that you miss your family and they definitely miss you, but there is no way the IOA will let us explain anything, and, well.” 

“They might not take it as well as you did?” 

“I spent about forty-eight hours having a breakdown in my quarters. Define ‘taking it well’, Carson.” 

“You did what?” 

Carson looked wide-eyed, which Rodney didn’t understand. Wasn’t it obvious? 

“Why do you think it took me days to visit you? I was completely freaking out- and in a totally justified way.” 

“Well, aye, but,” Carson trailed off, baffled. “I don’t think SG-1 reacted like that to Daniel’s returns, nor you and the team on the occasions Elizabeth seemed to be back.” 

“To be fair, I’m pretty sure going through that repeatedly has put Sheppard on the brink of a goddamn nervous breakdown that’ll make mine with Project Arcturus look paltry in comparison,” Rodney pointed out. Frankly, Rodney was kind of impressed it had taken Sheppard this long to reach his breaking point. He knew what Sheppard had done when he thought Kolya had killed Elizabeth, but he didn’t like to think about it. The recent incident on Todd’s ship hadn’t helped on that front, though. 

“True enough, that man needs a psych evaluation more than anybody else in the expedition, and I’m including the two of us in that.” Carson shook his head in disbelief. “God, remember what he did to the would-be Genii invaders? Or how he reacts when under mind-altering occurrences?” 

“Okay, let’s not talk about that on your birthday.” 

“Still, I am sorry that you were upset about finding me.” 

“I wasn't upset, I was scared,” Rodney admitted. “I had zero clue what was going on. I wanted you to be you so badly, but usually good things don’t happen to me.” 

“That’s not true, Rodney.” 

“Well, I know that now. You’re still here somehow.” 

“Of course,” Carson sighed, but he seemed more fond than concerned now. 

Rodney stayed quiet as they headed deeper into the woods, letting Carson take the lead. Even on missions, he disliked spending time outdoors. Weird plants, bugs, wildlife, splinters, mud: the list went on and on. He was only doing this for Carson’s sake. At least Carson was happy about being out in the wilderness, going by the humming he was hearing. 

They ended up a body of water about twenty feet wide and nearly the same long, with a creek running into it. Rodney guessed it was a pond; he wasn’t sure where the cutoff between pond-sized and lake-sized was. Carson quickly picked out a tree that might be somewhere in the oak family, except with vibrant maroon leaves instead of whatever oak trees did. Despite not knowing much about botany, Rodney was reasonably sure that hue wasn’t normal for Earth trees. 

Shrugging off his backpack, Rodney sat down next to his best friend. The gear was brought out so Carson could set up the poles. Look, Rodney had brought the stuff _and_ had traveled to another planet. Carson could do that much. Besides, this way Rodney wouldn’t need the first-aid kit. It was part of the present that Carson didn’t have to patch him up. 

This logic earned Rodney a pair of raised eyebrows, but Carson didn’t argue, which meant that Rodney was right. As usual. 

Once the lines had been tossed into the water, they sat back down under the tree, their shoulders brushing. The near-constant reminder that Carson was here, that Carson was **alive** , was more reassuring than Rodney wanted to admit even to himself. 

It was… fine. Carson didn’t even bother chattering, contrary to Rodney’s original expectation: the Scot was content to just sit and watch the glistening water with him. There weren’t a lot of bugs, and even if there were, Rodney had packed bug spray. And there was a Tupperware full of cranachan as another birthday surprise and for a snack in case the fish weren’t biting. Basically, this was confirmation that Rodney really should have just shut up and gone fishing with Carson that day. Things would have been fine on the trip, at least until their return to the city. And Carson wouldn’t have died so soon after his birthday. 

“Hey, Carson?” 

“Hmm?” 

“I might be visiting again soon- just a check-in, but uh.” 

“Perfectly understandable,” Carson told him, bumping his shoulder. “You’re always welcome for a visit, Rodney.” 

His cheeks warm, Rodney admitted, “I’ll just need to see for myself that you’re okay.” 

“Aye, I know the feeling,” Carson agreed dryly, looking over at Rodney pointedly. 

Rodney wanted to push back, but it was Carson’s birthday. Besides, to be fair, Rodney had gotten himself into trouble enough that Carson did know the feeling, if not as well as Rodney did. So the two of them just sat side-by-side, enjoying the morning as they waited for the fish to bite. 

“Thank you for this,” Carson quietly spoke up. “I know that I’m not really him, even if I thought I was, but thank you anyway.” 

“You’re you,” Rodney insisted. “And I owe you for this.” 

“Rodney-” 

“Look, I’m willing to be in bug-infested outdoors for you, just shut up and accept that we’re best friends and we’re on a fishing trip.” Rodney paused, suddenly horrified. “We- we _are_ best friends, right?” 

“Aye, Rodney,” Carson sighed, shaking his head. Thankfully he was smiling. “Of course, we’re best friends.” 

Rodney was pretty sure the sudden warmth he was feeling wasn’t from the rising sun. “Oh. Okay.” 

“I’ll probably be rejoining the expedition eventually,” Carson admitted. “I miss you, I miss the city, I miss Radek-” 

“Really?” 

“Aye! And I’m going to tell him you said that.” 

That hadn’t been the main reason why Rodney had interjected, but whatever. 

“Do you think Radek would be surprised by that?” Rodney snorted. Carson made a “that’s fair” face before Rodney continued, “But what does ‘eventually’ mean? Next year?” 

“Probably sooner than that. I’m doing a lot of good out on these planets, but it’s just not the same. I think I’ve sated my wanderlust, though.” 

Rodney winced as he pieced it together: roughly two years as Michael’s captive, six months in cryostasis, and then another six months of physical therapy confined to the SGC due to being legally dead. Carson had needed _freedom_. After his close call in the sunken puddle jumper, Rodney understood claustrophobia, although that wasn’t quite the right word for either of them since after their experiences, it was perfectly reasonable to be nervous in enclosed spaces. 

“The problem being, I don’t know what role I could have in the city. It’d be bloody awkward for the entire medical department to have both me and Jennifer present and on duty. Those who didn’t serve under me have heard stories about me, and I’m still not sure what Jennifer makes of me.” 

“She’s just intimidated,” Rodney reassured him. “Jen heard all these stories about how awesome her deceased predecessor was, and then he showed up back from the dead to be as awesome as she had been told.” 

“Most of the stories being from you, I’m guessing?” 

“No, actually,” Rodney muttered. “We didn’t, don’t, talk much about you. I didn’t really talk about you to anybody after the first mandatory rest day until we found you.” 

“Why not?” 

Rodney shrugged uncomfortably, although Carson’s tone had been thankfully nonjudgmental if quiet. He just… couldn’t. Even here and now, to Carson himself, Rodney couldn’t figure out what to say, let alone how to say it. 

After a few minutes, Carson noted ruefully, “This isn’t how I wanted to find a way to get you to be quiet.” 

Rodney nodded, bumping Carson’s shoulder in further affirmation. 

“I do want to come back to Atlantis, to spend more time with you and the others, but I’m not seeing how to do that. Not with so many people still sickened by Michael’s plague, not with a different CMO in the city, not with the IOA being wary of my intentions.” 

At Rodney’s expression, Carson clarified, “Michael turned out to be able to- to bloody Jedi Mind Trick me, for lack of a better turn of phrase. And nobody is a good enough neurologist to tell if there aren’t any other little tricks tucked into my noggin without me knowing.” 

“Fair enough,” Rodney grumbled. 

“I promise that once I find a workable way, I’ll return to Atlantis. You’ll probably regret it, since I’ll be able to take care of Jeffrey and Michelle myself then.” 

“We could… share custody?” Rodney had grown attached to the two turtles, more than enough to keep his mouth shut about them when around Sheppard after the joke Sheppard had made when Carson had been worrying about them way back when. 

“That could work,” Carson agreed. With a smirk, he added, “And maybe we could go fishing more often.” 

“Whatever you want,” Rodney promised. 

Carson warned him, “You might end up regretting that." 

“I won’t.” Rodney had learned his lesson: he wasn’t going to repeat that particular what-if. 


End file.
